April 4, 2011

Sex and Avoiding the Family Way

Written by: Rosa Morgan

Due to the graphic nature of this post, I shall remain anonymous. Pray trust me when I say this is not dependent on a lack of conviction in my beliefs, but rather the certainty of being ostracized from genteel society, or worse.

The American doctor, Charles Knowlton, published The Fruits of Philosophy, or the Private Companion of Young Married People, wherein he discussed delicate matters, including limitation of offspring. He served three months of hard labor for his "obscene" publication.

It is an accepted belief that all good women long for the domestic tranquility of a husband to protect her, and a large brood to give her empty hours a sense of meaning. An equally deep rooted conviction is that the fairer sex has no carnal appetite of her own, only engaging in congress at the behest of her husband. Of course there are those who resemble the above descriptions, however there are millions who wish to engage in natural inclinations while limiting motherhood. I encourage both gentlemen and ladies to peruse the following catalog of the latest contraceptive products. Be forewarned to lock your bathroom door for privacy.

All manner of fruit rinds can be used as a pessary, however it is the pomegranate that I find most effective. Husbands will be completely unencumbered by its presence. If the lady forgets to insert it beforehand, then eating the seeds afterward will achieve the same result.

If a more modern method is preferred, then look no further than this womb guard made of vulcanized rubber and designed by Dr. Marie Stopes, a woman who thoroughly understands the female body. With her Prorace brand, you too can do your part in the eugenic movement to improve the quality of the human race by selective breeding.

Herbs have been used throughout time as fertility regulators. Queen Anne's Lace, Smartweed leaves, and apricot kernels are just a few of Mother Nature's remedies to exposure to the man's seed. I strongly warn against foraging for these on your own, but rather visit your apothecary. Misidentifying plant material may result in death, a far worse condition than having a bun in the oven.

I cannot comment on the rhythm system because all those charts make me dizzy, but I do know that "withdrawal", when done correctly, has only a 4% failure rate per year. Also douching with quinine is a good female preventative. If the husband is agreeable, the French safe made of animal gut membrane is a popular alternative. Gone is the stigma of being associated with brothels.

If the man in your life is truly a saint, then he may agree to use Revere's Ice Water Belt, as pictured in this advert. Though it's designed to prevent spermatorrhea, or night time emissions, which will lead to retardation, it would also be quite effective in decreasing natural urges during the woman's most fertile period.

And ladies, if you do not want to "Lay back, close your eyes, and think of England" as Queen Victoria has advised,

then may I suggest, as a last resort, the chastity belt. With the key in your possession, you will be in complete control of your body. Use of a velvet lining may prevent chaffing.


  1. Mama mia, thatsa soma spicey contrapciones. It shoulda been much simpla to justa say "no."

  2. Hi Robert, Your comment actually made me hungry for some Italian food.

  3. Here, here! Jeers! What a compendium of contraception!