August 1, 2011

Nostrums or Essential Remedies

written by Rosa Morgan

As a devoted wife and mother, I make sure my cupboard is stocked with the essential remedies to keep my family in the pink. The following are a few necessities you'll find at your local apothecary.

Wilcox and Co. produces these wonderful cigarettes for every conceivable respiratory ailment. Filled with the herb, stramonium, they are perfectly safe for women and children, though too much will cause hallucinations and can be fatal. I especially enjoy them when I am winded after climbing the stairs.

It is the rare family that doesn't have an invalid suffering consumption or some other wasting disease, and who wouldn't benefit most profoundly from cod liver oil. Rich in vitamins A and D, it's also essential in daily dosing of your little ones to prevent rickets. They may balk at the nauseating taste, but Scott's Emulsion, with a sweet glycerin addition, has made it as palatable as milk.

I confess I keep my Malt-Nutrine all for myself. With two percent alcohol, it's truly food in liquid form. It's perfect for nursing mothers and aids my sleep, so I'm not disturbed by wailing babies. I take my bonnet off to Anheuser-Busch for making such a superb tonic.

My children love, nay, they demand their Ayer's cough syrup. I'm not sure if it's the delightful cherry flavor or the morphine in it, but either way, never has bedtime been such an ease.

No longer do I need scrape the bark off the willow tree for my family's aches and pains, for the German, Friedrich Bayer, has done all the work for me in developing his Aspirin.

Alas, my new favorite drug, is Bayer's Heroin. They've named it after
the Greek word, Heros, because of its heroic effects on its user. They say it's nonaddictive, and will, I pray, get my poor husband off his tooth powder addiction.

Dear Gentle Reader, Scott's Emulsion is still around!


  1. There was an asthma powder available over the counter that was 98% belladonna. I put it in 00 capsules and sold it as mescaline.

  2. I was just doing research on medieval witches who rubbed belladonna on their bodies, and that's what made them FEEL like they were flying on their broomsticks.